I've been having such a hard time getting myself to do anything at all... I can't get myself to get up and clean the house, shower, put on makeup to leave the house, go grocery shopping.. anything. Been crying a lot lately. I feel like the longer I've dealt with this whole depression thing the less I'm able to do as time goes on. This medication is not working... I can't complain too much considering I'm not thinking about death at every second of the day. But maybe my standards of what I should be like are too low. I'm not expecting the meds to make me happy, but at least please help me function.. Maybe I'm not getting the correct help I need.
I talked to my mom on the phone for 30minutes the other day, (which is a long time in our book).. and I explained to her what was going on, and how hard of a time I've been having lately. I mean, I've definately had a lotttt worse, such as the time when I had to drop out of school for a quarter.. I have an appointment today at 1115 with my psychiatrist to see how I've been doing. We have a lot to talk about since last time I was there. One issue is this damn weight Ive put on since starting Abilify a year ago. 40 pounds gained this last year.. OUCH. After seeing how much I weighed at a Dr.'s appointment the other day.. I came home and threw out like 3 bags of clothes in a rage... they don't fit anymore and are just wasting space so why keep them. I'm 5ft 1 1/2 inches, and used to weight between 115 and 120. I'm about 40pounds plus that... Granted I haven't been working out like i used to.. but i wasn't working out too much at all like 6months before the weight started coming on either. None of my eating habits have changed.. I probably eat like twice day, which pretty much includes a turkey sandwich and a bowl of cereal. Not much at all. I guess I've lost 10pounds since November, but thats just a small dent.. I'm still in the same clothes unfortunately.
Mom and her friend came down for some dinner theatre thing they bought tickets to. We met up for lunch on Saturday and talked more about what we did over the phone. FINIALLY she believes me when I say something is not right with me... 9years later... She used to make fun of me for researching mood disorders when I was in high school. I pointed that out to her and she said she just thought it was situational. I don't understand why she would think that since i didn't start researching it until 3years plus after my depression started. Even 3 years to feel like that is way too long. We talked about how nothing seems to be completely helping. I've gone from medication to medication, increased doses.. Thats all my psychiatrist has been doing recently since starting Effexor is increasing the dose. I feel exactly the same as I did when I started on the low dose. My mom is really worried, and said there has to be something out there to help me. She did some of her own research on different mood disorders and medications. She wants me to talk to my lady about possibly being bipolar and not depressed. Different types of medications are used for different diagnosis.. I technically haven't been "diagnosed" as anything, although I've been dealing with this for so long. Probably because nothing seems to work fully, and I keep switching medications.. and I still have these issues. Thing is, I don't really get "highs" at all like they do with bipolar. Then again maybe my "highs" are just going through a short period of being generally happy.. considering I cant remember a time in my life, ever, where i felt happy and care free for an extended period of time. Even as a little kid, I still felt that there was something wrong with me. I was the most pissy, irritable child ever. A mood disorder symptom seen in childhood is not sadness but irritability. I was Cholic as a baby... screamed constantly for about 6months without a physical explanation. My parents should have known then that I was going to have issues.. lol.. My mom told me that after I got off of the phone with her the other day, she turned to my dad and told him that I remind her exactly of his mother. My dad's mom died when I was about 6 years old. She had a lot of issues but never got help for it or never really told my dad about it. She completely stopped taking care of herself. She probably weighed about 400 pounds plus when she passed away. She stopped taking showers.. hardly ever left the house let alone her couch. She ended up having a stroke and was in the hospital. She ended up dying there, but we never knew what exactly she died from because my dad didn't want to have a autopsy done. So I guess we'll never know. But yea, I am apparently just like her, and always have been. I look like her when she was young, I have a similar personality like she did, and am having the same issues that she did in her late life. Hopefully we'll figure out an answer soon, I don't know how much more I can take! Each episode I go through I just feel more and more hopeless like nothing will ever get better.
